I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
