when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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