I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
