Fine. I'll sleep in my office
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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