I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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