everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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