DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
