We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
