My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
