time to smoke my breakfast
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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