I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
