Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
