i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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