Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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