Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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