There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
