i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
