Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
