You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
