You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
this hospital has no fireball
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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