I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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