Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
