he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
