On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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