The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
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Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
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I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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