I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
