The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
