I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
