The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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