I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
