This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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