If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
There's always time for handjobs
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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