Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
