Where did you get a picture of my penis
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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