life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
