just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
