my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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