Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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