I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
