yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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