remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
