Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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