I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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