Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
