I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
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