why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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