I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
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I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
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I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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