I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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