don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
