how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
