every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
