i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
