His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
