Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just found a bag of teeth...
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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