i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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