Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Also, beer. Big fan.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
