Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
